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|Thursday, March 25th, 2004|
What is it with bad girls that make them so attractive? The way they flirt with you? The possibility that you might get some booty? That they might just use you as a sex toy and then dump you? I guess that's every guy's fantasy, right?
I was out with a date drinking when a bunch of my friends show up -- including T.N. and the girl he's fucking, JO. As the night progresses, my date and I get cuddly and start holding each other. That's when JO makes her move -- she grabs my date and pulls her to the restroom, all while looking me in the eye and smiling.
Next thing I know, as I'm walking my date to her car, JO calls my date. Tells her that I'm on a rebound, and that she should look for other guys. Fucking cockblocker.
The next day, JO calls me -- and eventually we end up going out and she ends up sleeping over. Not that JO and I had sex or anything -- we actually just held each other in bed. She definitely wanted it, but since she was trying to be a good girl I didn't want to disrespect her. But I already knew she was a hoe, because she fucked my friend and lied straight out about it -- said she never slept with him. She slept with this other guy I knew and lied about that as well. Plus, when I asked her how many guys she'd slept with, she said "under ten, but you shouldn't believe me."
Girls like that I just can't trust. It's just like TF. When I asked her how many guys she's slept with, she said, "I don't know, I can't count." I can tell these girls have been around, because they flirt so smoothly and they know men so well -- and they're detached when they fuck around. It's like they no longer have emotions when they're with guys -- you're just another playtoy or something.
And I notice these girls all want to play it like they're good girls... like they're all innocent and shit. They don't want you to disrespect them... given their scandalous histories. It's like what TF said when I was groping her breasts... "Nobody ever touches me like that." "I'm shy." It's all bullshit, because I caught her kissing another guy later while she was dating me, and I found out she was fucking him right before she was fucking me.
I donna... Maybe I'm bitter right now. Maybe I fall for the wrong girls. Maybe I'm not meeting the right girls.
But what the fuck. As long as you get into their pants, who cares right? Who the fuck cares about love.
|Saturday, March 13th, 2004|
Since I've last written, I've broken up with TF... or she's broken up with me. Either way you see it, it's over.
I've been on a few dates since then... and I have my eyes on a few new girls. But I still can't stop thinking about her. It's weird. I can't figure it out.
|Sunday, February 29th, 2004|
|He kisses, she kisses...
I should have known from the beginning this wouldn't work out. Actually... I did know. I knew from the start it was trouble. That she was trouble. Manipulative. I felt it deep inside my heart, that this was wrong.
But I stuck with it. I convinced myself she was good for me...
Tonight I made up my mind. It's over for good. And it's weird, because I felt good... I felt soooooo good that I was no longer with her. There's no more drama... no more sitting down next to her at the dinner table, afraid of what she might say if I didn't pick up my fork correctly or if I chewed too loudly... no more being afraid of speaking my mind because she might say I sound like a little kid, or that when I whistle I sound gay... no more being afraid of taking her out because she might start screaming at the hotel concierge for fucking up... or telling me I'm a pussy for not standing up for myself.
"Are you going to step up to the plate?" "Why do you deserve to be my boyfriend?" "Do you have any principles?" "Do you have what it takes to be with me?" All this bullshit is gone... and I feel a great pain lifted off my shoulders. I feel free again. Just the way I like it. Just the way I need to be.
But I know she'll call again. She always does. She might hold me in her arms, crying and telling me how much she loves me... then telling me the next day she was just emotional. She will call again, because for some reason unbeknownst to me, she needs me. And I will give her a chance, because she's touched me in a place few girls can -- I'll tell her, "Unless you can accept me for who I am, with all my faults and all my strengths... you don't need to call me anymore." And I'll give her a week to think about it.
I know I've been fucked up to her... Kissing other girls, screwing other girls, lying to her... I jumped into this relationship because I wanted a relationship... but I wasn't ready.
I want a good girl now. I don't want to deal with beautiful self-centered drama queens. I want a real relationship.
|Saturday, February 21st, 2004|
|She yells and yells...
That's what she does.
Last weekend I took her to Palm Springs. Not knowing what lied ahead. Not knowing after all our arguing if we could ever salvage our relationship. I was prepared... that this might be the last weekend we'd ever spend together.
So as I'm driving to Palm Springs, our first argument came before we even reached our destination... I made a joke about Vietnamese people, and she called me "ignorant."
"I'm not going to take your yelling," I said after listening to her yelling.
"Well I don't like your ignorant comments."
"It was a joke. I joke like that with all my friends."
"Well I'm not your friend."
"I think we should be friends first, don't you think?"
"Too late. And you just lost 5 million points with me."
I storm out the door and call our hotel to request a refund for our 2-night reservation. They tell me I will be billed even if I don't show up... That's $500 out the window... and it is at this exact moment when I decided, "If I'm stuck with the bill... I'm going to make the most out of it. TF is nothing more than an investment from hereon out... she's someone I will use... someone I look at in terms of money." In my mind, our relationship is over -- but I'll take her to Palm Springs anyway just to make use of my money.
So I call TF on my cell phone and apologize. She accepts and we drive to our hotel.
When we arrive, we find out our room has a double bed -- something we did not request. TF starts yelling at the manager, telling them how they fucked up and how we deserve a credit. I don't mind this because she is trying to save me money. However, the argument drags on for about half an hour before I tell the manager we will take the room either way. He says in return that he'll accommodate us in whatever way he can.
TF and I unpack and order a free candlelight dinner worth $100 -- compliments of the hotel. TF seems happy and we have hot sex that night.
The next morning, I wake up to TF complaining about my snoring... she orders me to go solve the credit issue with the manager (who told us the night before we'll need to talk to them in the morning.) To shut her up, I leave the room to talk to the manager -- not about the credit issue, but about what there is to do in Palm Springs. When I return to my room, TF asks me if I solved the credit issue.
"Did you get it squared away?" she asks.
"I didn't talk to them about it."
"Why not? I told you to take care of it."
"I'm happy with what they gave us yesterday."
"But they fucked up. And they have to pay for it."
"But I'm happy. There's no use arguing. It's just money anyway."
"It's about principle. Do I have to do all the dirty work for you? Are you a pussy?"
She keeps calling me a pussy for not yelling at the hotel manager... until I finally go and talk to her just to shut her up. I flat out tell the manager that my girlfriend is being a bitch and won't shut up unless she gives us something... so the manager gives us an upgrade to the Villa... an awesome luxury suite worth $700 a night. TF seems happy when she sees the room.
So that day we stroll the streets... eat a meal... and come back to our hotel room. We don't talk. Or say anything. We're pretty much quiet the whole day. Besides, how can we even talk? We always end up yelling.
"I'm a player. I take girls home. Just last week I made out with a girl at a K-club," I tell her -- out of the blue. I don't even know why I said what I did at that specific moment. I guess it's because deep inside, I know our relationship was already over...
TF's response is mellow, for once. She is stunned. She asks me why I have to hurt her, and I reply, "Because we were just seeing each other."
"But I thought we had an agreement to try to make this work."
"But you keep yelling."
She says she can't trust me... that I deceived her... blah blah blah. Anyway, it was over for good... or so I thought.
I leave the room and take a walk. By the time I come back, TF is lying in bed sleeping. I sleep on the edge of the bed, far away from her. Next thing I know, she reaches over to grab my hand and pulls me next to her.
And we have hot sex again that night. Three times. I definitely got my money's worth.
The next morning, as we're driving back to Los Angeles, we get into our biggest argument yet... an argument I won't write here, because it's too long for me to remember, and because we kept arguing in circles. She was yelling off the top of her lungs, face red... spitting... I felt like she was about to punch me at one point. I tried to stay calm... and I kept talking bullshit just to piss her off. Whatever I could think of just to annoy her.
"It's over. I'm calling this off. I don't want to end up killing you," she said.
BUT, like our relationship goes, we somehow end up seeing a movie, laughing and enjoying ourselves. When I drop her off at home, she kisses me goodbye and smiles.
Weirdly enough, after our trip to palm springs, we never argue anymore. She calls me everyday. And I always sweet talk her before we go to bed.
"I have something to tell you," she says to me yesterday.
"I really like you. I can feel it in my heart."
I don't know what to say back, so I stay silent.
"Did you hear what I said?" she asks.
"Yes. You feel it."
"In my heart. I never thought I'd feel this again."
She also asks me what type of wife I want... and if I ever want to get married... and she also mentions how she'd like to fill up half my closet with her own clothes (when I move into my new apartment).
Weird thing is... I find this whole thing attractive. Besides the yelling, TF is a good girl. She treats me out to dinner. She buys her own stuff. She loves her family and has got great morals. Plus she's beautiful (which is why she gets away with the yelling. I wouldn't take this shit from an ugly girl.)
ON A DIFFERENT NOTE, my supervisor came into work a couple days ago and said, "I'm leaving. You're going to be the point person now." It turns out his grandpa died. He spent a couple of hours at work and took off to leave the country.
And I took the opportunity to get ahead. I worked 12 hour days with no lunch breaks. Just to get shit done. Just to prove myself. I took the approach, "Fuck who I offend. Just get noticed by the top dogs." It was vicious politics, with a heavy dose of drama... all for the selfish benefit of me, me, me.
Now that I put myself in the spotlight, I have to shine. For the next few weeks, work will be first priority. TF will be a close second.
|Sunday, February 8th, 2004|
|I walked away...
...and didn't look back. Until she called. 4 AM in the morning. Like she always does. Apologizing. Saying I'm sorry.
Let's backtrack the story to yesterday morning at 10 AM, when I called her cell phone.
"Why didn't you call last night?" I asked her.
"I ran out of minutes, and I couldn't use my house phone."
"Where did you go?"
"Garden of Eden. I need to sleep, okay? Let's talk later."
When she called back at 2 PM, she threw a tirade.
"Don't you know I need to sleep in on the weekends? Why are you so selfish? Why are you so rude? Why can't you understand the only time I can sleep in is on the weekends? Apologize for calling."
"Okay, I'm sorry I called you at 10 AM in the morning, when people were already awake."
"Well I wasn't awake."
...and the argument continues, until I finally say sorry again. She seems satisfied with the apology and hangs up. I figure I will not call her until Monday -- which will be the day I have a serious talk with this girl. But at 10 PM, TF calls me, asking what I'm doing.
"I'm at a friends house playing board games."
"That's right," she says. A brief silence ensues. "Schou, I just want you to know that I am an independent woman, and I don't like having to report to you."
"You don't have to report to me."
"But you make me feel like I do."
"Look, I have to go. When do you have time to talk, face to face?"
"Okay then. I'll call you tomorrow and we'll meet up. We need to talk." I hang up and think about calling off our relationship so we can just be friends. But TF calls at 2 AM this morning.
"What are you doing right now?" she asks.
"Nothing." A long silence. "Why?" I continue.
"You wanna grab something to eat?"
"Hoodori. Is that okay?"
"Fine with me."
I drive there and find her sitting at the table alone. I sit down next to her, and a long silence ensues. Finally, she holds my hand and says, "Look, I can fall in love with you. But I think I'm just scared."
I hold her hand for a minute before letting go. "TF, if you want this to work out, you have to stop yelling at me. There's a better way to get the message across."
"Don't you think I have a reason to yell? Don't you think I deserve to be treated better? Don't you understand why I'm yelling?"
AND the argument begins... And it's the same old issues over and over again -- ALL THIS TRIVIAL BULLSHIT FROM THE PAST WHICH SHE NEVER FORGETS.
"Look TF, why do you stick with me? It's obvious you don't respect me," I say after she stops complaining.
"Do you think you deserve my respect?"
"No." It's true. I haven't treated her like the princess she wants to be.
"If you really liked me, you'd show me that you do... because you sure don't act like it," she says as her voice grows louder and louder. "You'd plan things out. You'd be responsible when you see me. Like our first date, you'd make the dinner reservation in advance. First impressions count, you know."
"But I didn't like you then," I argue back just to stand my ground. "I saw you as a friend then, so I treated you as a friend. Why couldn't I play things by ear? Plus, we had a good night, so there's no need to trip out."
Now she is definitely pissed. She goes off on how I called her at 10 in the morning, on how I don't treat her right, on how I don't care enough... After her long tirade, I sit there in silence.
"TF, why don't we be friends. Let's give it some time off and think about things."
But she doesn't let it go. She continues yelling about the same old things. About how she is a girl of principle, about how I lied, about everything she's brought up a million times before.
"TF, I'm leaving right now." I walk out the restaurant. She comes out a couple minutes later and I make sure she gets into her car safely. As I drive back home, I think about what my friends said to me: TF is using you, TF sounds sketchy, TF is too much trouble, TF is immature, and so on... until I convince myself, "I don't deserve her bullshit. I don't deserve this yelling. I don't deserve any of this crap she puts on me, making me feel like I'm doing something wrong." I am convinced I will not talk to her again by the time I enter my front door.
And of course... she calls. Right when I get home. Like she usually does after an argument.
"Babe, I'm sorry," she says.
"TF, I don't ask for alot. I just don't want you to yell at me." A long, never-ending silence ensues.
"How about this? Let's not talk for a week. Just like you said. Give us time to miss each other. And on Valentines, let's go away. Just me and you. I just want this to be right, okay?" Another long silence ensues before she asks, "Isn't it enough that I'm calling you?"
"Yes. Fine, let's give it a week."
"No e-mails, no calling, nothing. Let's miss each other for a week. Let's make it right. Okay?"
"Okay. Until next weekend." Another long silence ensues. "I do miss you sweetie. I miss you so much, you don't even know."
"I really don't know," she responds.
And with that, we say our goodbyes...
My friends will think I'm a sucker... that I'm whipped. But I know TF cares. And I know I hold her in my heart very closely. I know she will always come back to me, and I will always take her back. And as tough as it is for my friends to see, TF is a good girl with great qualities. She's a perfectionist, a woman who demands the best and expects it to happen. TF yells because she wants me to be a better person... and because she wants me to show her that I care...
And I will open my heart to her, because I know it is time for her to see I truly do care.
|Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004|
|Rape and games?
> you raped her. I mean...you did. Even though she didn't say it, and you passed it off as being "addicted to sex," by having sex with her even after she said no and even after she struggled with you - you raped her. you should really ask her how she feels about that one. and no matter what she says...i would be a little suspicious.
I am very offended. What is rape? After all, we had a romantic night, she invited me home, we were fooling around, I gave her head, she was wet and horny, and I stuck it in at that time. She didn't struggle. She didn't push me off. She moved to the rhythm a bit. After fucking for a bit, she said, "It's too fast. Please stop." We slept for a bit, then I initiated some foreplay, and we got horny again. So I stuck it in again. After about five minutes she said, "I'm cumming." Then she said, "This is too fast. Please stop."
And I did. Both times. Is that rape?
>I, too, question how much of your wanting TF actually has to do with *her* and how much of it is just reactive to the games. Personally, to me, being a bonafide adult means eschewing these silly high school games.
>it's like two ppl who are used to playing games...it seems so obvious from this vantage point. You want her *only* because she wants you. Now she doesn't want you and you want her even more?
I want her because now I realize how good I had it... and I realize how I fucked up... and I realize how right she is when she says a relationship is about two people not just one. She really helped me open my heart, because I've been blocking out my feelings for so long, not wanting to get hurt.
If any other girl wanted to call it quits, I'd say okay. But I'm not letting this girl go, because I truly want her from the bottom of my heart. Whether we work out or not is another question... but right now I'm taking the chance of rejection because there's a chance of love.
Is this game playing? Or is this courtship? Because we talk everyday, and she calls me everyday before she goes to bed, and our communication is solid -- for now.
|Monday, February 2nd, 2004|
We broke up.
As I thought, she didn't trust me. Because I told my friends we were boyfriend/girlfriend when she specifically told me not to tell them. She wanted to keep our relationship private, without any outside pressure. And of course, I fucked it up. (And if she ever reads this journal, I'm a dead man.)
"How can I trust you with anything?" "Why did you lie?" "Why are you so selfish?" "You think I'll drop head over heels for you just because you say nice things to me? Show it!" TF yelled her throat out. With each sentence, her voice raised even higher. "You think you can just do your own thing? Just think about yourself? What about my feelings!?"
I had nothing to say in return, because she was right -- I did lie, and I am selfish, and I did only think about myself.
"We need some time off," she said after yelling at me for an hour.
"You're right, we need time off," I replied. I expected her to open the door and run away, never looking back at me...
But she stayed in the car... and I let out a big sigh of relief.
"I want this to work. I like you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't," she replied. "But you have to remember to think about me if you want this to work."
"I haven't been in a relationship for a long time," I told her. "This is new to me."
"We'll work on it together, okay?"
And like we've done twice before, we end up making up. At the end of the day, she takes me to her home where I meet her sister for the first time. After I turn on my wheels and make my best impression possible, TF takes me to her room. We end up lying on her bed and talking intimately, face to face for the first time... And now I'm even more convinced this is the girl of my dreams. She is everything I've been looking for, everything that I've wanted all along, everything I've dreamed of... She is the girl I would take home to my family.
Looking back, I realize I've been treating girls as objects of desire -- for my pleasure only, to use and abuse. I've done it for so long that I don't know any better. This whole relationship thing is new to me... but I'm ready to make it work now. I want to grow up.
And I want to earn TF's trust back. I asked her to be my girlfriend before because I knew SHE wanted me. Now that she's taken the title away from me, I want it back... this time because I want her.
|Saturday, January 31st, 2004|
|Let's make some things clear
Why do I like TF? First, because she speaks her mind. She is authoritative. She has strong beliefs and she follows them through. She is very honest as far as I can tell. She is very well-mannered. She likes people, is extremely social, and seems to get along with everyone. In short, she is presentable in public.
Next, she reminds me of my mom. (And I'm not sick -- I studied psychology and I know that Freud was onto something when he discovered we like our partners to be similar to our parents.) Both my mom and TF are clean, well organized, and responsible. When they care about you, they push your buttons because they want you to be better. TF expects the most out of people she cares about.
Now, as to the question of money: TF is not doing well right now. She took me to her work last week and I helped her do her job (since she was behind schedule.) I saw how hard she worked, and for how little money. I refused to let her pay because it's not fair to her. Also, when we went to the fine dining restaurant today, she saw how expensive the menu was and immediately told the waiter she wanted tap water -- to save us money. I would by no means classify her as a golddigger.
AND, The question in my mind right now is not whether I should snap out of it, or why I'm already arguing with her... In my mind, the question is DO I DESERVE THIS GIRL?
Let me give you an example. Tonight we went to Viceroy's -- a fine dining, five star restaurant. I was the fool, banging my wine glass on plates, dropping my butter knife, making stains on my shirt... she even had to teach me how to drink my wine.
Then later on, when she invited me over to her house for the first time, she made me promise her that we'll just cuddle. Out of instinct, I went inside of her... and she had to beg me to stop. I feel like shit, because it was so romantic up until then, and I just had to ruin it because I wanted the sex. (I have an addiction to sex, no doubt about it.)
The question right now is, Am I trustworthy? I made a promise to cuddle and I broke it. Do I even deserve a good girl like her, someone with strong principles?
AND, after I left, I had to knock on her door twice -- first to get my shoes... then to get my cell phone... because I'm a klutz who forgets shit all the time. I woke her up twice and I could see the disappointment on her face when she realized how big of a airhead I was.
I wouldn't be surprised if she broke up with me tomorrow.
|Thursday, January 29th, 2004|
So tonight I go K-clubbing with my clubbing buddies. And of course, at any K-club there are drunkass girls waiting to fall on you, waiting to grab your dick... ready to have sex with you.
Which is exactly what happened tonight. As I was standing by the restroom, this girl comes over and falls on me. No joke - she falls on me... I pull her up and lay her down at a booth. She holds me, and I put my cheek next to hers out of instinct.
This is what I've been doing for the last year whenever I feel a vibe from a girl.
So we rub against each other... kiss each other a bit... and I start fingering her... and she grabs my dick.
If I didn't have a girlfriend, I'd take this girl home. But TF pops into my mind... and there's no way I'll screw up my relationship with TF.
I hand this girl off to my friend, who ends up taking her home.
And I genuinely feel good. I did the right thing. Because TF is a girl I could potentially fall in love with.
One of my friends tells me that someone took TF to Vegas and said she was easy.
I immediately call TF and ask, do you know these guys, who are my friends? She trips out... and says they don't know her... and starts yelling at me, telling me how immature I am, that I act like a child. She tells me I don't behave in front of her friends, that I make a bad impression on them, that she's embarrassed to take me anywhere.
And after 40 minutes of yelling, she finally says I'm sorry.
After she finally lets me get my 2 cents in, I tell her, "Look, TF... I like you. And I'm glad you can talk to me. Communication is everything in a relationship. I just think you could talk to me without yelling."
So yesterday, I decide to take her to get some boba... to talk about everything... Hoping to patch things up.
When I see her, I hand her a single rose... and she mentions she likes Hongkongnese flowers.
"Hongkongnese flowers? Never heard of it," I say.
"You've never heard of Hongkongnese flowers?"
"Oh my god, everyone knows what they are!"
So I call my friends, and none of them have heard of the term Hongkongnese. And she yells at me again, saying "Why do you have to prove me wrong? What's wrong with you? Are you trying to convince me they don't exist? Cause they do."
"I'm just saying that none of my friends have heard of them."
"Are you doubting me? Ask anyone who's Cantonese."
So I pull someone aside at the boba shop and ask them, "Have you heard of Hongkongnese flowers?" And they say no.
"See?" I tell TF.
"You're such an embarrassment. When I dared you, I didn't think you would actually go and bother other people."
"You asked me to ask them."
"I didn't think you would do it. You're such an embarrassment. I can't take you anywhere..."
And we end up arguing at the boba shop... until we have nothing left to say.
"I want to go home," she says. And I take her home. I have nothing left to say to her... after all, she just keeps yelling at me.
As we pull over next to her apartment, she says, "Look I'm sorry." I say nothing in return. "Did you hear me? I said sorry. I'm sorry tonight didn't work out."
I pull the car over and we have another argument... over how I'm not considerate, how I'm not making her happy, and how I forgot my wallet that day... and, of course, about the Hongkongnese flowers.
"Look, TF... let's just take some time apart," I say. I was about to give up on ever seeing her again.
"What, you can't step up to the plate? I just want you to be responsible... If you don't think you can step up to the plate, don't waste my time."
"Let's just spend some time apart so we can think about things."
"Time never works. If you want this relationship to work, we can't spend time apart."
"Well I don't feel like this is going to work out. We're already arguing, and it's only been 2 weeks."
"Why'd you start this then? Why start something you can't finish?"
"I wanted us to have fun tonight, TF. I didn't want to argue with you. I just wanted to talk."
"Well then talk."
"I have nothing to say. You're just going to yell at me."
And after a few minutes of silence... she says to me, "Look, I want this to work out. How can we make this work out?"
I put my hands on her neck and respond, "I want this to work out too."
She leans over... and I move in closer... until my cheek grazes her cheek... and my lips end up meeting her lips... We end up making out in the car.
"I have to work tomorrow. I should go," she says after our makeout session.
We put our clothes on and exit the car.
"TF. If we're going to make this work, let's make it official. You want to be my girlfriend?" I ask.
"Are you asking me out?"
She kisses me on the lips and says, "Remember today. This is our anniversary date."
And with that... I am no longer single. I will have to step up to the plate. I will have to be responsible, because TF will challenge me. She will make me an adult. She will accept nothing less, because she is a high-class girl who expects the best.
And I will make her happy. Just like I told her. I'm going to remember that she likes Hongkonese flowers on Valentines day, that January 28, 1 AM is our anniversary, and that I should always be considerate and think of her, just like she wants me to.
|Sunday, January 25th, 2004|
I know I can be an asshole... I know people can hate me... or despise me. I know I push people's buttons. I know I get under people's skin. I know I will disrespect people at times. I know I will use people at times.
Which is why I like TF. I respect her. I want her to like me. I am putting my insecurities out there already... something I hate doing with girls, but TF is different. If she rejects me, I will be hurt.
Today we went out to grab lunch... and then made out in the car again. She's hot. Confident. Responsible. It's so attractive. She wanted to know what I was thinking... "I don't know what you're thinking. Tell me." The only thing I could say back was, "I don't want to scare you... I like you a lot." And I left it at that.
I also told her she is a good influence on me. It's been a long time since I got into a serious relationship... and if this turns out to be serious... which I hope it will... then perhaps I can build better relationships with everyone -- not just TF. Perhaps I can learn to respect people again.
|Thursday, January 22nd, 2004|
I'm back at Switched. I like this job better because I can work less hours. 6 - 10PM. Get paid the same as my other job that I worked from 6PM till 4AM -- the job that killed me. I feel happy again... This is a job I can shine in. I'm not too far from making editor... I can feel it.
Today my boss told me to start cutting stuff... little segments... I have an editing session tomorrow with one of the cast members... And I'm calling all the shots. This is the way I like it. I'm going to be gung ho until I make editor. 6 months is the goal.
|Infatuation or Love?
So I met this girl at a K-Club 2-weeks ago... Talked to her briefly at her table... Next thing I knew, my buddy was making the moves on her, holding her in his arms... And soon afterwards, she ends up taking us to a cafe in Alhambra for a late night snack. We're all talking, making conversation at the dinner table when I notice she keeps looking over... giving me the eye...
When we exit the restaurant into the parking lot, she looks at me and says, "Call me." I never even got her number. I knew my friend was interested in her and I didn't want to be a cockblocker. But a couple days later, I get a call from her... telling me she's going out with my friends, and asking if I'd like to join them... I politely declined, told her that I had to work, and that I'd call her later.
So first I ask my buddy if it's okay to take her out. He gives me permission...
Then I call her, ask her out on a date for Saturday. Just dinner and the movies. I didn't really expect anything.
During dinner, I notice this is a girl who likes to call the shots. She's beautiful, intelligent, ambitious, well-mannered... very confident... has lots of energy. Next thing I knew, we're drinking the night away, making out like teenage lovers.
I like this girl. Let's call her TF for now. I'm taking it slow, getting to know her... I love the way she bosses me around, telling me what to do... This is a girl that I could potentially fall in love with.
|What is Ghetto?
I know this one girl. A very good friend of mine actually. She was raped when she was 13. Stole $10,000 worth of coke. Had a hit put on her. The guy she stole the coke from was murdered. She had to leave the state. When she came back, she beat up other girls as a hobby. She saw people get killed in front of her. Been in jail countless times. Got jumped into a gang. Hung out with the Mexican mafia. Got pregnant when she was 16. Has two kids. The window of her house has a bullet hole in it, and you can see the bullet lodged in the microwave.
That, my friends, is GHETTO. Me? I only wish I was that cool. After all, she even got her breasts enlarged.
|Wednesday, January 14th, 2004|
|Let's ramble for a bit
Okay, so I haven't written in here for a while. I've been busy. Still working 2 jobs. Bringing in the big bucks.
In actuality, I hate my work. I fucking hate it with a passion. Digitizing tapes into the machines, sorting footage, organizing media files, grouping, and cutting footage -- it's all routine shit that makes no sense to anyone else but people who work in this industry. Why do I do it? Because I want to make editor, and I want the money.
And the little time that I have when I'm not working or running my errands, I think of one thing: Fucking around with girls. When I went to Las Vegas during the New Years weekend... all I thought of was fucking around with girls... and I did exactly that. This past weekend, I went Korean clubbing again with the goal to fuck around with girls... and I did exactly that.
I can't complain about getting women... in fact, I feel like bragging my ass off. I want everyone to think I'm a pimp. I want everyone to recognize that I can pretty much meet women and hook up anywhere I go, anytime I feel like it... or so I'd like to think.
In the end, I'm probably just a pathetic fool who uses women. Lies to them. Causes chaos in their lives... because I get a kick out of it.
|Tailspinning and crashing
So my Honda Accord needed to be tuned up. I brought it to Silver Sea Auto in Alhambra... It's where I usually go to get it tuned up because 1) they're Chinese and I trust them, 2) they do a great job, 3) they never try to rip you off.
I left my car there overnight cause it was the 30,000 maintenance... and I had errands to run. I rented a 2004 Toyota Camry at a rental car company next door... and didn't buy insurance.
The next thing I knew, I'm slamming the gas petal, driving 120 mph and slamming on the breaks just for kicks. I go to a parking lot and practice slamming the breaks while spinning the steering wheel around... making the car skid... burning rubber... thinking of myself as a stunt driver... It was a rush.
As I'm tailspinning the car... I slam on the breaks, but the car doesn't stop fast enough. I hear a loud bang...
The bumper of the Camry crashed into the concrete wall of the parking structure.
"Fuck," I think. I jump out of the car and notice there's no body damage -- luckily enough... but the paint's all fucked up. The next morning I go to the nearest Toyota dealership and buy some touch-up paint...
But touch-up paint looks obvious. So after I touched up the car, I dumped mud on the bumper... then I drove back to the rental car company and parked it in the shade... at 5PM when the sun is setting. The employee never suspected a thing... She walked to the bumper, rubbed off the mud, and assumed the car looked the way it did because of the mud...
Sigh. Smiles. I get away again.
|Wednesday, December 31st, 2003|
i read my journal entries at this time last year... and i hated what i wrote. this journal is like an image you have to keep up... and now that's the exact thing i want to avoid. this journal should be a private record, only for my close friends to see... and more importantly, as a record for myself.
So, as the New Years comes along... I find myself again reflecting... I consider myself successful at my age... I'm in the industry I wanted to be in... My work I take pride in... money's coming in... it's not too bad in terms of where I wanted to be in my career.
But then I look at my own personal life... and I can't help but not like what I see. I see a hustler... someone who pushes people to get what he wants... And I don't like that. It's a good skill to have, especially when I'm managing people... but I don't want that to extend into my private life. I find myself distant from my family right now... because I don't want them to know who I am. I've kept women away... because I lie to them to keep them stringed along.
That's not who I want to be. Something has to change... because I can consider myself a sex-a-holic right now... I think about sex a lot, take pride in bedding women, and masturbate when I'm not bedding women.
The truth is, my best friend told me the other day, "You spend too much time chasing hoes that are stupid and unworthy. Why don't you do something better with your time?"
I got PISSED when he said this. Why? I don't know... but something offended me when he said that. And I think it's because he was right... and I just didn't want to admit that he was right.
And he IS right. I spend too much time fucking around. And keeping women stringed along? I still reason, "Well, I'm just telling them what they want to hear." But it's a fucked up thing to do... And any girl who did that to me, I'd want to tear her heart out.
So. All in all, I don't like who I am. I look in the mirror and see someone vain and shallow. Is that who I want to turn out? Hell no.
My first goal of the New Year is this: Change. Change. I don't know how, I don't know in what way... But something has to change. Don't I believe in something? Or feel passionate about anything? Why not put my time in my writing? Didn't I used to have passion for the arts?
2) Make editor. My career's going okay... But the last step is still waiting. Once I make editor, I would have reached the top of that line of work... I will be doing creative stuff... Stuff I know I have a talent for...
That's enough to work on for now. I just have to remember, be patient. It'll happen, but not all at once. Just be patient.
I'm going to miss my women... IF I can manage to change. I take pride in having many women... I take pride in knowing I can bed them. But then I look around, and I see that true happiness doesn't lie with something so superficial. I look at my family and I see love... which I want no part of. I look at my friends and their girl/boyfriends, and I see real relationships... something I can't relate to.
And I want to relate. I want to relate very bad. In fact, deep down inside I'm a lonely person... I've found a way to shut the world out emotionally... to feel nothing... to be cold and calculating...
I may be making money, but am I really happy?
|Tuesday, December 30th, 2003|
|When Hoes Get In Between Guys
The following is a brief Instant Messenger chat transcript:
D: hey man
D: call me we must talk
D: call me now I have to straighten this out because that bitch has no idea what she's talking about
D: Alright just call me when you get this because I'll confront whatever she said directly cause I know I said nothing!
|Friday, December 26th, 2003|
I met another hoe at a club... and I can't stop thinking about her. I am fascinated with hoes... sexual women who know what they want, and aren't afraid to go for it. Man, grinding her almost made me cum in my pants... and I still fantasize about the shit she let me do to her inside the club.
Anyway... it's Christmas, but ironically I find myself growing distant from my family. I'd rather hang out with friends and chase scandalous women. I'm putting pressure on myself to party hard these two weeks because I know I'll morph into a workaholic again with my dreadful work schedule looming in the air.
I can't wait to party in Vegas for New Years. And I better get my ass back on track. I've wasted enough time fucking around this year. Better start thinking about some New Years resolutions. I want to be successful... in all aspects of my life.
|Monday, December 8th, 2003|
I told my friend yesterday with tears in my eyes, "I'm working too much. I'm grouchy. I get no sleep. I yell at people. I can't help it." She replies, "Yeah, you're a bitch. And you just want people to feel sorry for you. Stop whining." What a fucking bitch. That ruined it for me. It brought out the Smeagal inside of me, talking to myself in the most neurotic way:
"I can't do it. I'm losing it. My mind is gone."
"Keep it together, keep it together..."
"I can't. I can't do this anymore. I'm not suited for it."
"You want to quit and be a fucking loser?"
"I'm not going to quit... but is it worth all the stress? I'm a robot right now... I have no mind of my own..."
"So what? This is a sacrifice you have to go through to learn what hardship feels like... and you can learn how you handle stress."
"But I have no time off. I don't have time for family, for friends, or for me. I'm pushing and pushing... pushing till the end... but I don't know if I'll make it. I'm losing my mind man. I'm spacy all the time. I can't even have conversations with people anymore because I just space out. And all I do is yell at people. I have such a short fuse, and I'm hurting my business relationships. This can't be healthy."
"You fucking wimp. Stop whining like a bitch. You signed up for this, you follow it through. You want to be a quitter? You want to make the big bucks or not? I don't want to hear bitchy shit like this."
"I'm not a bitch. I just need some love man. I just want someone to understand. Please."
"You fucking whiner. Shut the fuck up and get back to work. You think I have time to listen to all this bullshit?"
"Please... please... just hear me out."
"Shut up and get back to work."